Gratitude

Kolkata, India

Don’t you love Fall? I do, it’s my favorite time of year.

Leaves turning to fiery bright hues of red and orange during peak, dulling brown as they fall to the ground into 

piles of leaves that remind me of childhood, running full force and belly flopping into that pile without a care in the world.

Carefree, child like joy, I am thankful for memories like that ….

Thankfulness is the first step to gratitude. It’s easy to be thankful for good memories we have, but gratitude is the exercise of being aware of those around us and living out that gratitude through the simple things we do every day. 

I have several journals and while I don’t write in them everyday I do find that it is helpful to flex my “Gratitude muscle” when I do make the time. It also helps to go back and read what you’ve written in the past and see how you’ve grown, to see answered prayers or things you hope to be that have happened. 

In that stillness of writing I find peace, I find growth, I find healing.

Showing gratitude when it doesn’t make sense is how we flex our gratitude muscle. 

As I think of childhood and those leaves, the fallen, dull lifeless leaves that crush and crunch under my feet remind me of the hard things, the not so bright things, but also of the renewal of them being replaced on the branch of the tree with new growth from which they fell. The new things that come from heart ache, brokenness and lessons learned through pain. Joy even through suffering, loving others when you don’t feel like it, showing gratitude when you don’t understand.

Broken memories of home growing up, my father suffered from PTSD from Vietnam, my mom pain from losing her father at 8 and being raised in an adoption home, she suffered from depression and mental illness. As a kid I didn’t know these things about my parents. I worried a lot … we moved a lot… where would our next meal come from… why is mommy so quiet and sad, why won’t she talk to me? Why are they fighting? …. where is daddy? why do I feel so alone? Why am I here? 

In that loneliness and worry I found creativity growing up. I loved my crayons and my books, turning to drawing and studying art, winning my first art contest in 5th grade for an ad design contest that was a sweet memory. My father was an artist and I loved looking at his paintings, I loved it when he would help me paint. “Step back and squint at your work when you’re done, he would tell me.. “If it looks good and proportionate and the shadows look good when you squint at it, you’ve finished.” Such weird advice, right? Ha ha. 

Sometimes we have to step back and squint at our surroundings with a different perspective. 

There are people who walk into our lives that help us with that perspective. I was matched in the Big Brothers and Big Sisters program at 8 years old with Sandi after my parents divorced. I saw life from the perspective of a strong, beautiful woman who worked hard and loved God, loved people and truly cared for me. I got to see New York City and the beach for the first time with her, she took me on a tour of a local news station at age 11, and I saw a graphic designer. It was then that I knew I wanted to do that. She even showed up with the moving truck to move me away to college when I was 17. She showed me what a future looked like and has been my constant throughout my life. We are still a grateful part of each others lives more than 30 years later. Her perspective and gratitude gave me strength, showed me love, and gave me hope. 

The seasons of our life are what grow us, the hard seasons can strengthen our gratitude muscle the most. 

The memories of my Dad became priceless after losing him to cancer in 2005, I remember holding his hand next to his bed as I spent what I didn't know would be his last night with us in the hospital. He told me to "do everything right" and he thanked me for "being his rock".

In 2014 I lost my Mom. After years of her struggle with addiction, mental illness and homelessness. But I am grateful for having time with her the last two years of her life. In those last days of her life gratitude was very hard for me. But looking back with a squinted perspective I am thankful for the rides to her Dr. Appointments. She loved to sing and I remember holding her hand and singing "fire and rain" by James Taylor together and feeling at peace in that moment. 

It was losing my Mom that led me to Christ, that led me to see His goodness and love. I realized that in my brokenness He was there, in my loneliness, God was there. Leaning into God has showed me that through suffering we can find joy. He turned my pain into a purpose. My heart was broken but mended through the unconditional love of God. Faith has brought me through the other side of the fire of loss and loneliness and refined me, to love others unconditionally and to know that I am not alone, that I am worthy. 

Following God has sprouted a new branch of life in me. I've been given a new perspective of seeing others with unconditional love and serving with a full heart. 

My first mission trip to Kolkata, India gave me a different perspective of how I grew up. 

Seeing 3rd world poverty first hand made me realize I could've had it far worse. 

We visited two orphanages and several villages, and the red light district in Kolkata. 

We met with a young man who was very sad about his parents getting older and his Mom was sick with HIV from being a sex worker...  he feared being alone when they passed. As I sat in their home which was a 10x10 foot room, I told him that he isn't alone and told him how I had lost my parents, and though I was sad I had the peace of God because He is always with me. 

We visited the sick at Mother Theresa's first mission house and as I stood there tears ran down my face when I read this verse on the wall:

"For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ "

– Matthew 25:35-36

Through this new perspective through God's mercy lense ... my gratitude muscle is strengthened each day. In the stillness of reflecting on the past and being present in the now and being faithful of the future, I find joy, the main ingredient for gratitude. 

The gift of gratitude is to be shared with others. When we shift our perspective to one of gratitude it turns into a kind word, a hand being held, a smile, a shared meal, a donation to those in need.

Take time to breathe in the here and now with joy, let the fallen dead leaves crunch under your feet, and jump full force into life like a gleeful child into a pile of leaves, but don't forget to look up at the new growth that comes from flexing your gratitude muscle.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow” — Melody Beattie